For the last 54 years of my life, my father and my grandfather (his father) have been my leaders. Understandable in the childhood years, but even after I “grew up” and moved away from home, they were my North Star. I got my first job, set up my first home, got married, became a father myself, and most recently, got my son married. No matter where I was in the world, whether in Mumbai, Delhi, or America, there was always an invisible thread that anchored me, an invisible superpower, if you will.
Growing up, I wasn’t particularly close to my dad. From the first to the seventh standard, I lived with my grandparents in Madras. They were like parents to my sister and me. Then I went to boarding school in Ooty and back to Chennai for College. Through those years and after I started working, I would spend two weeks a year with my parents during Christmas.
During the pandemic, something shifted. I am not sure what, but for the last 5 years, I have called my father every evening and spoken with him. Over the last year, it had become a morning and evening check-in when I was away from him. I now realise, more often than not, instead of me checking in on him, what I was doing was leaning on him. “Let me check with Dad…”
I can’t do that anymore. He is not here for me to check with. Maybe I was seeking approval. Maybe guidance. Maybe wisdom. The comfort of that hand on my shoulder is gone. Or has it?
It now seems to be replaced with “What would Dad do?” His hand still guides mine as I am sure his father’s held his, even when he was long gone from this physical world.
This is leadership. It works when the leader is physically present and in the leader’s absence. Strong leadership sets the tone and builds the character and culture of an organisation. What does the team do when nobody is watching? This reveals a lot about the leader.
Should I go searching for a new leader now? Or do I step in and fill the void? There are many father figures whom I could attempt to follow. But the answer I am seeking lies within. It’s my time to step into that space and explore it.
I don’t know what lies ahead, but I do know my dad would have approached it with childlike curiosity and courage. He is still showing me the way, with my grandad smiling down on me as he always did, silently encouraging me to take the next step.
The only reminder I give myself is that it’s now my decision. For many years, I played roles that were expected of me. Because that is what a good grandson, son, brother, husband, father, friend, employee, boss does. Performing to please others. It’s a great survival tactic, but to thrive, life seems to demand more of me.
The journey from “What do they expect of me? To “What do I expect of myself?” This is the next adventure. It can be guided by the wisdom of others, but the path I have to walk is my own.
I lost my leader, and in doing so, I am taking the next step towards finding myself.
May the road rise to meet me.
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