To be truly seen and deeply valued is what many of us say we want. But do we? I think not.
Many a time, we want acceptance and approval. This is different from being seen and valued. This experience can be deeply discomforting because being fully seen and receiving the complete attention of someone means all my rough edges are on display. My quirks, my fears, my vulnerabilities all come tumbling out. Not neatly packaged for LinkedIn and Instagram with a trite ‘takeaway’. But the raw, real, and messy me is seen (and if I am lucky, valued). This is where the magic happens, because in a relationship, for it to grow and flourish, these messy parts must be addressed. They can’t be brushed under the carpet or buried deep under superficial reactions; they cannot be touched up or edited to present only that part of the picture that looks good, with the hope that somehow things will get better with a filter or by cropping out the uncomfortable parts.
This vanishing art of being seen and valued showed itself to me last week.
Lost in a world of emails, calls, to-do lists, ChatGPT embellished proposals, and dips into perplexity to answer perplexing questions, one long, uncomfortable conversation made me feel seen and valued. Another person who is also navigating their way through the attention (or should I say lack of it) economy made the time to tell me some things that I did not particularly like hearing. Receiving feedback that is hard to receive, in itself was not unique. What made it special was to get offered that kind of attention, not with an ultimatum “of fix this or else” at the end. What I received was a feeling of being valued, and the other wanted me to see something that I was blind to, because they cared. This was both brutally difficult to bear and also reassuring. It meant I mattered enough; it meant I was getting all their attention. If you are lucky to have people in your life who are willing and able to give you this kind of attention, as uncomfortable as it may sometimes be, here is me reminding myself and you that it is valuable and rare – and it’s the kind that made me feel valued.
In an attention-starved world, where two minutes is an eternity, having a two-hour conversation seems impossible. And yet it’s in these moments, that are often only catalysed by crisis, that relationships grow strong. Honest truths are spoken, and the magic fairy dust that heals and grows gets sprinkled. The ‘being seen’ part, where I get exposed or choose to show myself, is hard, but the harder part is when the other in the relationship keeps their attention on you and says, “I see you, and I don’t know if you see yourself… here is what I think is happening”. And then stays, helps, shows the way forward, but stays through all the messiness. Sometimes even leaving is a way of staying. The pause with an intention to come back and pick up the pieces is a good way to allow space and growth.
All of this signals a need for time, truth, and honesty. In an organisational context, this is even harder, because to offer this kind of attention to another, one must truly care enough. In a corporate setup, it’s so much easier to see something one does not like and just up and leave. To be seen and valued requires a company culture that has the maturity to allow the messy middle to evolve. It must have the processes and people to attend to conflict, to allow feedback giving, to encourage truth being spoken to power in a climate of psychological safety.
A crisis in the world of reputation building is an opportunity to do the right thing, to demonstrate to stakeholders that they are seen and valued. To say sorry, introspect, course correct, and attend to what caused the problem. Then communicate that change, show that we can be better, that change has been made, so that trust can be rebuilt. There are many examples of this approach having worked. All of this takes time and attention that goes beyond the superficial holding statement. To be truly seen and valued in this context, stakeholders must be attended to, their concerns understood, and systemic changes then made, to ensure that feedback is honoured and valued. Some smart SEO work and suppressing the negatives or pushing them down in the algorithm may work for a day or two, but in the end, that is never the solution.
The attention economy of algorithms that offer dopamine hits has got me so used to curating my feed and blocking what I don’t like seeing or hearing that a genuine conversation or emotion seems so hard to find and hold. When a colleague is unwell, the WhatsApp “Wish you a speedy recovery” or, easier still, an emoticon hug seems appropriate, and then I move on. The rare occasion when I make a call or make a visit. Just be present even if I don’t know how to help, rather than say “let me know if you need anything” – that is true attention. This says, I see you and I value you.
When I say, “Can I have your attention, please?” I must pause and ask myself. Am I merely seeking approval, wanting a few superficial likes and shares? Or do I want to be seen and valued, and in that process be open to the discomfort that often comes along with it? A perfect time to remind myself that one of the greatest gifts I can give or receive is the gift of whole and complete attention.
Where attention goes, energy flows. Are you paying attention?
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