A friend of mine shared something difficult they were going through. In that moment, I realised every word that I used in response mattered. Creating a safe, non-judgmental space for sharing is a skill. The line between asking a question in a way that allows more opening-up versus shutting down is a thin one.
A family in our condominium lost their young dog. I did not know them, but I know their pain having lost our beautiful Biscuit when he was just 5 years old. I reached out to offer my condolences and shared a beautiful poem that held my hand in that difficult moment (the rainbow bridge). I did not know my neighbours; I just saw the post in the doggie parent WhatsApp group. I still reached out and shared. Maybe I overshared. The poem would have been a good place to stop, but I could not stop myself from also sharing my loss of Biscuit.
Whatever I have read and experienced about the “right words” when someone shares a difficult moment (if there is such a thing) is not to insert yourself into the story. The temptation to share comes from many motives. One common one is to indicate that “I understand, I have been through the same thing”. My own lived experience is often where the empathy often comes from, having walked in similar shoes, but everyone’s way of dealing with pain and loss is different. And yet in that moment it is about them and not me. The next time I am tempted to bring a story from my life to share, I should stop and just be present to the other person and their pain.
The other thing I tend to do is shy away from these kinds of conversations. My old muscle memory kicked in first. I said to myself, “I don’t know them; maybe I should not say anything.” But I also know how much I appreciated a kind word from someone who knew my Biscuit but did not know me. So, I shared my words. I think it’s better to show up even at the risk of not having the right vocabulary instead of remaining silent.
I the world of PR we often must craft messages and advise client on what they should say during difficult times. Genuine care and concern are the main ingredients in crisis communication, not just what is said, but how its said and who is saying it matters.
Letting my friend know that I was thinking about them and keeping a door open for sharing is important. My many years of experience as a communications professional and my training as a coach have given me a solid foundation to stand on when it comes to words, for which I am extremely grateful. But even more important is my presence. My ability to show up with empathy and listen, even if I don’t speak, is just as powerful. “Let me know if you need anything…” is a what not to say. Show up, uninvited, with a message or in person, but don’t wait to be invited in. Being there when another needs me is what it’s all about.
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