Two scoops of ice cream arrived and neither of them had my name on it. “Why did they not ask me if I wanted some ice cream?” The feeling of indignation, at being left out in the cold (pun intended) reared its head last week. This wave of emotion took me by surprise and left me wondering why I felt bad about this Ice cream incident. It lasted only a few minutes, but I could not understand the feeling. What makes it even stranger is I don’t think I even wanted ice cream. I later figured out, courtesy of a book I happened to be reading at the time – what upset me had nothing to do with ice cream. It was simply that I was not included in the plan. It was my unconscious reaction to the feeling of being excluded.
Bruce Hood in his book ‘The Self Illusion’ says “Caring about what others think may be one of the strongest preoccupations we have as an animal.” He goes on to quote Philippe Rochart who pointed out “To be human is to care about reputation”. It is no wonder that being left out feels painful. We are wired to find ways to fit in and belong, so any signal that says that we don’t (being excluded for example) sets off alarm bells. This triggers the fight, freeze, or flight reaction. My outburst about not getting my scoop of ice cream is possibly triggered by an initial urge to fight for inclusion. Followed by some combination of freeze and flight as I withdrew and told myself that it did not matter as it was not intentionally done to exclude me.
Thankfully the book helped me figure out what my reaction was all about. In the chapter titled “How the tribe made me” the author Bruce brings alive the many ways we are impacted by the un-intended actions of others. The story of Kip Williams from Purdue University is one that resonated. Kip was out for a walk with his dog one day and a frisbee hit him on the back. Kip picked up the frisbee and tossed it to one of the two people who were playing and very organically the game of frisbee between the two expanded to include Kip and they tossed it around between the three of them. After a minute of this game, the two friends went back to playing with each other. Kip (who is a psychology professor) was surprised at how upset he felt for being excluded from the game with two strangers, that he was never really a part of to begin with. This brought home the realisation of how sensitive we are to being excluded. The incident led him to research ostracism, which he defines as being ignored and excluded.
In a work context, this shows up as “Why was I not called for the meeting?” Or “Why did I not get a chance to present on stage?” Back in school in the playground, it was “Why did they not choose me to be on their team?” or “Why did they not invite me to the birthday party?” The need to belong, to be part of the tribe has been in me since my school days and it continues till today. I began my school life by being put in the corner. I often got the silent treatment from friends. The list of ways in which I have been excluded is long. It is a painful experience and one that often raises the question “Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of attention?” The brain region associated with physical pain is the same one that gets activated when one is excluded. The hurt one feels when left out is as real as a body blow. The solution is often to either provoke others to take note of me or find ways to integrate myself and be valuable.
Kip’s research showed that belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence are the dimensions affected by being excluded. Anger and sadness are the two emotions it often evokes. Recovery from being excluded (in the context of his experiment) ranges from 5 minutes to up to 45 minutes depending on different people’s personalities.
As PR practitioners we must always remember the importance of including our stakeholders by engaging them in a dialogue. The price of one-way communication that is excluding is a high one to pay. Connection comes from creating the feeling of belonging.
Reputation management is not only the purview of big companies, brands, and CXO’s. Each one of us in our own ecosystems wants to have a good reputation and be included. To belong, to be seen and heard, to be welcomed and valued are the benefits of a good reputation.
Two key ingredients to nurturing a good reputation are self-awareness and the ability to communicate effectively. Each of us could benefit from better understanding a trigger (like me and my ice cream scoop moment) and then having the ability to manage that interaction by understanding what was going on and finding a way to move forward with others I care about.
Maybe the phrase “sharing is caring” comes from this insight. The next time it came to buying ice cream, a tub was ordered and I am happy to report that I felt included. All was well in my world again. Moral of the story? Eat ice cream and (we) be happy.
The views and opinions published here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the publisher.
A trusted coaching and communications professional, Nikhil Dey is a certified life and leadership coach (International Coach Federation - ICF). Nurturing talent and helping clients achieve their goals is what makes him happy. He loves learning from students of communication, teaching courses and guest lecturing at various educational institutions. When he is not working you will find him on the tennis court or out for long walks with his family and four legged friends.
Previously he has held senior leadership positions at Weber Shandwick and Genesis BCW.
He can be reached on twitter @deydreaming
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