Who am I, if I am not a father? A son? A husband? A brother? An Executive Director? A coach? A communicator? Cookies Guardian? I am the story I tell myself. This is both a limiting and liberating idea.
The lingering aftertaste of the ‘Dialogue in the Dark’ workshop reminds me of how easy it is to adapt to a new reality and how difficult it is to let go of a world I know. Giving up on a story that has defined me and beginning a new one holds so much power. In the darkness, I closed my eyes and began to explore the new world with my other senses. In accepting and allowing myself this opportunity a new me and a new story emerged.
For many years my story was “I am a smoker…” and then one morning I decided to change that story. I am now smoke-free (not counting the smog in Delhi). There are other stories that I am trying to rewrite. One big one right now is related to me the parent. I am an empty nester Vs. I am a free nester. Resisting the darkness or accepting it and embracing it is about flowing into a new story.
Why do I even need to define myself? I think it is about belonging. What is my place? Who are my people? The only way to find them is to signal to the world that “I am like this…” and “I like this…” and “I don’t like that…” and the more time is repeated the more the story takes hold and then I have an identity. I may be many things and do many things but my identity is defined by the repeated ones.
A good reputation is deeply rooted in reality and demonstrated by repeated actions. Stories then get told (about this behaviour) and that strengthens the reputation. The possibilities are endless, the stories to be told are many but choosing with care the ones worth telling is about life choices. I am not just the roles I take on in life. I am the sum total of how I touched all those in my life. The stories they (all those who crossed my path) tell about me, are who I am to them. For some, I may not have even registered. To some, I may be a villain. To others a hero or a saviour.
An “I”identity is an inside job. How I see myself matters most. How all the others experience me is important but more important is that I see myself in the same way. This alignment of the inner me and my story with the story the world sees of me when congruent makes life easier to live. “What you see is what you get”. A misalignment causes much pain in the long run. Either the external world does not get what they signed up for or the inner world is in turmoil, trying to live up to an expectation that is not rooted in reality.
Why do we work so hard to carve out an identity for ourselves, our brands, our corporations, and our countries? Are we in search of a way to stand out from the crowd? Or are we trying to find a way to fit in?
Who am I if I am not…? “I am joyfully me….”. You decide who I am to you and for you, my job is to go inwards and work on being the best me I can be. I am not looking outside for answers right now, I am looking within, and methinks many organisations would be well served to do some deep introspection and inner work so that they too can be their best selves and not worry about how they are being seen, but focus instead on how they serve their ecosystem and how they are being experienced by their stakeholders. Purpose will lead to profits.
The views and opinions published here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the publisher.
A trusted coaching and communications professional, Nikhil Dey is a certified life and leadership coach (International Coach Federation - ICF). Nurturing talent and helping clients achieve their goals is what makes him happy. He loves learning from students of communication, teaching courses and guest lecturing at various educational institutions. When he is not working you will find him on the tennis court or out for long walks with his family and four legged friends.
Previously he has held senior leadership positions at Weber Shandwick and Genesis BCW.
He can be reached on twitter @deydreaming
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