Suppressing the bad feelings and not getting too excited about the good ones seemed to be a good formula not to get hurt. However, the unexplored and unprocessed feelings don’t disappear, they rear their heads when least expected and often express themselves through physical manifestations of illness and pain. “Suck it up” is not that good a strategy, “Let it out” appears to be a better one. It takes strength to be vulnerable and allow feelings to play out. I have a hard time naming my feelings and have found a wonderful helping hand in the form of the ‘feeling wheel’.
A perspective that resonated with me from Susan David about feelings, is the powerful idea that “feelings are best regarded as data, not directives.” How I chose to be and what I chose to do, can be best informed by listening to my feelings. Suppressing them is like turning off my Google Maps and driving. I don’t have to follow what the map says always, and I decide my destination, but it’s really helpful to have the map and all the data it provides should I decide to travel.
I felt sad after my son’s graduation ceremony. I felt proud and happy too. But I felt really sad as it made me feel like I would see even less of him now. I did not expect to feel sad, but it was the feeling that showed up. We don’t get to choose our feelings. I thought to myself “No more summer holidays and winter breaks.” A statistic I read about time spent with parents “By age 20 you have spent 90 % of the time you have with your parents” popped up in my head. It may not be true (I could not find the original source data, though I did find the source quote. The point is not the statistic, but the feeling, which in this case is data that I had to work with.
I know we have much to be grateful for but I did not try and send the sadness away. Instead, I allowed it to show up and I expressed it. I am writing about it which also helps me process what was going on inside. Allowing my feelings to come to the surface, instead of trying to silence them, has helped me. I listened to my feelings, but they did not drive me to act in a particular way. I chose how I wanted to process the data and celebrated the time I had with my son. This is not in contradiction to my feelings of sadness, in fact, the opposite. I savoured the time together even more as I understood how valuable it was. If on the other hand, I allowed my feelings to drive my actions, I could have sulked or moped my way through the two weeks that I had with him. This idea of feelings as data, not directives is empowering.
In the work context, I can think of so many ways in which I can now let my feelings show up and not be directed by them. For example, if I schedule a training workshop and invite 10 people to attend, but when the meeting starts only 5 people show up and two send a last-minute “sorry not able to make it due to sudden work assignment” message. My feelings could be a mixture of frustration, anger, and worry… “How dare they not attend; don’t they know how important this workshop is?”
If I am directed by my emotions, it could result in an outburst, that is not likely to help the workshop move forward. If instead, I do some data mining and understand what the feelings are telling me, here is what I discover. This workshop is really important and I need to find a way to make it happen in the best way possible, with as many people in attendance as feasible. Examining the data and not reacting to my feelings creates options and suddenly I realise that there are many ways to respond (instead of the initial outburst reaction). I could calmly call the people who had not shown up and find out what had happened to them. I could help the two who said they couldn’t make it due to sudden work to possibly find a way to negotiate the deadlines. Most importantly my presence in the workshop is infused with positive energy and I am in a solution-oriented mind frame.
Allowing my feelings to come to the surface and finding out what they are telling me in life and at work is a new muscle that I am building. The journey of data mining my feelings has begun. Feelings are data and not directives, I am in the driver’s seat and decide which way to go once I have processed the insights the data has to offer. Feeling mode on.
The views and opinions published here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the publisher.
A trusted coaching and communications professional, Nikhil Dey is a certified life and leadership coach (International Coach Federation - ICF). Nurturing talent and helping clients achieve their goals is what makes him happy. He loves learning from students of communication, teaching courses and guest lecturing at various educational institutions. When he is not working you will find him on the tennis court or out for long walks with his family and four legged friends.
Previously he has held senior leadership positions at Weber Shandwick and Genesis BCW.
He can be reached on twitter @deydreaming
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